WARNING: Are You Killing Your Confidence With THIS Mistaken Mindset?

Killing ConfidenceYou’ve tried…

You’ve put yourself out there and tried talking to new people.

You’ve smiled, listened, and were interested.

But you’re still not getting the response you want. You’re not quite feeling the connection.

I mean, maybe you do alright talking sometimes, but then someone else enters the conversation and immediately has everyone’s attention. It seems they effortlessly have charm and wit and confidence.

It can make you feel worthless.

You might think, “what’s the point?” Because it seems others are so much more effective than you socially. And that you’ll never compare.

Are you just doing something wrong?

Well, maybe.

But it’s likely not what you think.

There’s a simple fix though if you are, and anyone can do it.

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How To Talk So People Listen To You

How to make people listen to you
Do you often feel ignored when you say something?

Maybe you speak up in a group but no one pays attention. Then someone interrupts over you and instantly has the spotlight.

Or it seems everyone is always speaking over each other; their ideas get noticed but when you try…nothing.

Plenty of my readers have mentioned this problem. And in the TED talk titled “How to Speak So People Want to Listen,” Julian Treasure gives great tips to stop being ignored. Julian is an expert on sound and speech so he’s someone to listen to in this area.

I’ve included the talk below and summarized his main points. But I’ve also included insights of my own on ways to be heard and respected in more casual settings.

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Reader Question Answered: How to Talk to Strangers Confidently Without Practicing

practice
A member of my Conversation Tips Newsletter recently emailed me the following two questions:

  1. How do you talk to someone you don’t know?
  2. How do you build your confidence, other than practicing talking (because sometimes you don’t have time, or you’ve tried and failed enough)

These are two questions I get asked often. So I’ve included my response below in the hopes it might help you too.

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The 1 Night That Makes Talking to Strangers in Bars 13 x Easier

Practice Conversation SkillsThrough talking to many shy and socially insecure people, there’s a cruel irony I’ve discovered.

Many crave the ability to talk to the “cool” people in places like bars, clubs or on the street. But unfortunately, talking to those people in those places feels impossible.

“Popular people” are generally more “picky” and dismissive in those types of “cold” social settings. And the fact rejection seems more likely to you makes these the hardest places to engage strangers if you aren’t already confident and skilled socially.

Well, if you’ve read any of my articles before, you know I advocate practicing your conversation skills repeatedly. This grows your skills AND confidence so you gradually expand your comfort zone.

But how can you practice in places like bars when it’s so hard to even start talking to people there?

Well, what if it could be easy, even for just one night out of the year? What if there was a way for even insecure people to easily start conversations in these intimidating yet alluring places?

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The Aristotle Guide to Make Friends and Influence People

make friendsAristotle was the man.

He figured out a lot about the human condition before modern psychology (or modern anything for that matter.) Some of his ideas still permeate our modern culture in areas like marketing and the science of persuasion.

In fact, I was watching a video the other day (included below) about his 3 means of persuasion. His argument was, to influence people efficiently, you must include all three of these elements.

What I realized is the three elements also apply to make friends. They serve as a handy guide to get past many sticking points in the friendship building process.
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The Difference Between Introversion and Shyness (Are You Getting This Wrong Too?)

 
shy girlWhen people throw out conversation advice, they often mix up the terms introversion and shyness.

The truth is, they are completely different concepts that cannot be used interchangeably. But I do feel they are related in several ways, which I’ll go over later.

If you aren’t happy with your social life and want to talk to more people with confidence, this is important information to know. It helped me realize the type of person I am and the type of socializing that works best for my personality. And that allowed me to feel less critical of myself and meet new people using my strengths instead of trying to be something I’m not.
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New Site Design and Future Plans

New-and-improvedThe new site design is done and I have to say, I’m very happy with it. All the same great information on understanding shyness and social awkwardness is still here, but I think in a much easier to digest format.

One of the issues I had with the previous design was clutter. It was just too noisy. Besides that, this design loads a little faster. The end result is I’m hoping it’s a more valuable resource for anyone who wants to start building their social skills and feeling more confident and outgoing.

So obviously I’m happy with the site, but please let me know what you think in the comments.

I will continue to tweak things and try to make available the most helpful information and resources to my readers from my own experience and that of experts in the field. Besides the new layout and design, here’s what you can look forward to in the future of CsC…
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How to be More Outgoing if You Don’t Like Socializing

dont like socializingSo you’ve decided you want to be more outgoing. But there’s a problem: You just don’t like socializing most of the time do you?

It’s such a hassle. You’d like to talk to new people but they’ll probably wonder what the hell you want or why you’re approaching them. They’ll likely just ignore you and you’ll feel embarrassed.

For you, going out isn’t worth it. Even if you go with friends, you mostly stand quiet off to the side. You see people you’d like to talk to, but never bring yourself to do it.

So what’s the point, right?

You’ve just decided you don’t like socializing all that much. So it’s OK that you’re not that good at it. Except you know, deep down, you really DO want to be able to talk to new people and even make new friends.

So what the heck do you do?
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