You’ve put yourself out there and tried talking to new people.
You’ve smiled, listened, and were interested.
But you’re still not getting the response you want. You’re not quite feeling the connection.
I mean, maybe you do alright talking sometimes, but then someone else enters the conversation and immediately has everyone’s attention. It seems they effortlessly have charm and wit and confidence.
It can make you feel worthless.
You might think, “what’s the point?” Because it seems others are so much more effective than you socially. And that you’ll never compare.
Are you just doing something wrong?
But it’s likely not what you think.
There’s a simple fix though if you are, and anyone can do it.
Get Realistic About Improving Socially
I find many people have an unrealistic mindset about becoming charming and confident.
They feel it should be easy.
And I don’t know, maybe that’s because of marketing. There’s so many bogus promises of overnight results.
I think another part of it is, being social is such a basic human function. Belonging and being liked is close to food and shelter on our hierarchy of needs.
It’s a pretty basic desire.
So it feels like our social ability should come natural and effortlessly.
But that’s not how it works.
People who are great socially today are only that way because they’ve been practicing their skills all along. Since they were kids even.
So you need to KILL the mindset you should be able to instantly be as charming and outgoing as others. Before it kills your confidence and motivation to improve.
Push Forward Despite Feeling Discouraged
The secret is to keep trying even though it feels you’re failing.
It’s about persistence. And the great thing about that is, anyone can be persistent.
But you must to decide to work from where you are.
Those other people who are so great socially, they’ve had completely different life circumstances than you. It’s not realistic to compare yourself to them.
Comparing yourself to others like that only discourages you.
Besides, just because someone else may be better than you socially, that doesn’t mean you can’t also do well.
They are the most successful burger joint in the U.S. Probably the world right? Does that mean Burger King isn’t killing it financially?
Of course they are.
They’re still making billions of dollars despite not being quote unquote the best.
But let’s take it a step further.
Maybe there’s a mom and pop burger joint in your town and there’s also a McDonalds. Does that mean the mom and pop joint can’t be successful?
No of course not.
People will like the small burger joint because it’s different. It’s cozy. It’s locally owned.
What I’m trying to say is, just because someone else is more successful than you or better socially, that doesn’t mean you can’t also succeed socially.
It doesn’t mean you’re worthless.
That’s bad logic. It doesn’t follow at all.
People will still like you for who you are even if they also like someone else more outgoing. Because they’re going to like you for completely different reasons than those other people.
This is otherwise known as the abundance mentality. There’s plenty of love and acceptance to go around in the world.
Decide To Stick It Out Till You Improve
Besides the skills of others intimidating you, you might just get discouraged in general. Because you’ll feel like you have so far to go and you’ll never get there.
You’ll have this ideal in your head of the social rockstar you want to be, but your abilities won’t match up to that at first.
You just have to remind yourself, you get there bit by bit.
In the beginning, the things you’re working on and maybe not doing so hot at, even those failures serve as stepping stones. You’ll learn from those mistakes in ways you aren’t even aware.
And as you keep pushing forward, your level of skill and understanding will keep rising.
It’s like you’re standing beside a tall building with no windows or doors on the first level.
The only entrance is a door on the second floor. But there’s no stairs. And in fact, there’s a deep hole in the ground right below the door.
There’s nothing around you but a huge pile of rocks.
So what do you do?
Well, you start tossing the rocks in the hole.
At first you can’t tell any difference. The rocks disappear into the abyss.
But eventually, the hole fills up and you start seeing the level of rocks rise. Soon, you’re able to climb up the rocks into the door.
In the same way, your efforts to improve your conversation skills are like the rocks. They fill in the hole, the lack of skills and confidence, that have dominated your life to this point.
So at first, it’ll be difficult to see much progress.
But as you keep moving forward, your improvement will become more and more noticeable. You’ll gain momentum and your successes will come even faster.
So remember to push through even though you get discouraged.
Everyone experiences this feeling of “I just can’t do it.” No matter what they’re trying to achieve in life.
The people who succeed are the ones who keep going despite their self-doubts.
In fact, here’s a relevant quote from Vernon Howard. It’s one of my favorites and it sits on my desk where I can see it every day.
It goes like this:
“Do not be impatient with your seemingly slow progress. Do not try to run faster than you presently can. If you are studying, reflecting and trying, you are making progress whether you are aware of it or not. A traveler walking the road in the darkness of night is still going forward. Someday, some way, everything will break open, like the natural unfolding of a rosebud.”
Don’t give up.
If you keep trying, you will eventually improve.
Because the only way to truly fail, is to quit.