(Okay. Not so shocked anymore…)
Let me tell ya, it was just awesome how everyone in class saw it happen too.
(That’s sarcasm by the way…)
After I got home, I kept playing the scene over and over in my head. Thinking what I could have said. And feeling lousy none of it came to me in the moment.
But most of all being haunted by that look she gave me.
Y’know that look of disgust people get when you say or do something awkward?
Sometimes subtle in their eyes…
Sometimes written plainly on their entire face.
Well, it was a look I knew well. And it made me want to hide from the world.
But guess what, I didn’t need to.
Because go figure, I was ALONE at home.
Yup, another weekend and I had NO plans. As usual.
“Engage” Captain Picard.
It was a heavy weight knowing ”normal people” were out at that very moment living a REAL life. An exciting life of socializing and meeting new people.
Or even enjoying a quiet evening with someone who cared about them. Who they could share stories of their week with.
Meanwhile, my life was passing me by.
I hated being so afraid to reach out. It was crippling!
I just never felt good enough y’know?
I saw myself as worthless.
Probably something to do with my history of being called a weirdo and a loser.
But hey, that’s just a guess…
It was SO frustrating! Because I desperately wanted new people in my life.
In the student quad or the break room at work, I’d see groups laughing together. And I longed to be included.
I’d see those “naturals” so effortless and FUN with people.
Everyone LOVED them.
Why is it so EASY for them, I’d wonder. And for me so DIFFICULT?
If I could at least make 1 or 2 really good friends, I thought. People I could be myself around.
People I could invite to go do things. (And they’d actually show up!) Who would include me in fun stuff they did.
I wanted to really connect. Not just have acquaintances I chatted to about the weather for a minute. That was so superficial.
Of course the problem was, I had NO idea how to connect. And I felt people wouldn’t like me even if I could.
I just didn’t know what to say…
Either my mind totally blanked, or I feared people wouldn’t accept what I said.
I thought of myself as boring. Like I had nothing to add compared to people more interesting.
Yet when I did brave speaking, I’d usually botch things at some point. I was so awkward and uncertain.
The other person could sense my nervous vibe.
And it made them uncomfortable.
It was an oppressive cycle to be trapped in.
I had no control.
I was stuck in an unfulfilling life with no way out.
(continued after training video...)